Tuesday, October 9, 2012

20121009 Alan Jones and Radio Opinions



Alan Jones, famous opinionated broadcaster - just one more opinion. 


Way back in the olden days, around 1990, when radio was a relevant source of entertainment, there were a select few who made a living by telling people their opinion.  Now everyone can have their opinion seen, heard and even x-rayed on that brilliant 'interconnected series of tubes' we call the Internet.  

While stuck in peak-hour traffic between the hours of 4:30 to almost 9 o’clock we will no longer have rely on the radio for traffic reports, the news, or even listen to the mindless opine of a radio DJ because with the development of mobile-phone technology like LTE, 4G and amazingly inexplicable CDMA-x1 we can now use our wonderful iPhone (n+1) to get an Internet connection in our car.  So, as a result of this incessant march of technology, the last bastion of AM/FM radio the 'The Drive Time slot' is now under threat from the likes of facebook, youtube and Project Free TV.  

One of the loudest and most-opinionated of these broadcast personalities was Alan Jones who was able to earn a decent living for his producers by being so controversially stupid that listeners would tune in and wonder what he was going to stuff-up next.  Mercedes Benz has had enough of him over comments about the Prime Minister's dead dad and asked him to return the free car that was politely provided and has also refused to be associated with him ever again such was the level of embarrassment that can be caused by not knowing the difference between a fact, a logical fallacy and his arse.

There are of course many things worse than talk-back radio DJ’s who spout their biased and illogical opinion on commercial radio stations and are rewarded for their efforts by being paid a million dollars a year, and one such thing are a talk-back radio hosts who spout their biased and illogical opinion on community radio and are paid nothing.

References:
http://www.commercialradio.com.au/files/uploaded/file/Surveys%202012/Survey%201%202012/Brisbane%20Survey%201%202012%20Summary.pdf
http://www.theaustralian.com.au/news/alan-jones-loses-his-merc/story-e6frg6n6-1226489835280
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCmbbk5WAJM&feature=relmfu
http://www.abc.net.au/news/2012-10-07/alan-jones-told-to-give-24250k-car-back/4299572

Sunday, September 23, 2012

20120922 Teaching English as a Foreign Language. Bridge TEFL Module 3.



20120922  Teaching English as a Foreign Language.

TEFL Bridge.  The TEFL course which offers accredited training by peer-review.

“The BridgeTEFL TEFL & CELTA certifications are recognized both in the United States and in many countries." says certified TEFL Online & CELTA Graduate Don Guadagni.  So the course is perfect for teaching in the USA and many other non-specific and un-named countries.  If you have no idea where you want to go, then BridgeTEFL can get you there.

Bridge TEFL upholds the standards of the industry by a peer review by the The Accrediting Council on Continuing Education, ACCET, who expresses its sincere appreciation to all volunteers who serve as evaluators.  ACCET was founded in 1974 for the purpose of improving continuing education and training and has been officially recognized by the U.S. Department of Education since 1978 as a "reliable authority" as to the quality of education and training provided by the institutions we accredit.  Being recognized by the Department of Education is apparently just as good as actually being a part of the Department of Education.

Here is an example of the standard of work that can be expected and accepted according to the rigorous marking scheme of the peer-reviewed and accredited BridgeTEFL.  It is unacceptable to use first-person when writing at the tertiary level at most respectable universities but at BridgeTEFL, they take a more modern and relaxed approach than an established and accredited university by allowing the use of first-person as the subject.  After, all this course is about you, the teacher.  The curriculum advisers were told to prepare teachers work in far-away exotic countries and the accountants were given the same instructions regarding your course fee.

Module 3. 




1. Take a look at the list of items below. Decide which system these relate to: lexis, phonology, grammar or function.

I went to London; I´ve been to London.
Grammar

Lend me $5. Could you possibly lend me $5?
Function

library; bookstore
Lexis

foot; foots
Grammar

I'd rather not; No way!
Function

hit; heat
Phonology

photograph; photographer
Lexis

should; must
Lexis

2. Imagine that you work in a language school. You have just received a new student from Korea who wants to study English prior to entering a university in the U.S. The student takes the placement test, which is all grammar and vocabulary and mostly multiple choice. She scores quite high; however, she does not speak very well and has difficulty understanding even the
simplest spoken language. What balance of the four skills and the four systems would you recommend for her study program? For example, would you focus on reading and writing or utilize her strengths in grammar to introduce topics, but make the exercises mostly listening and speaking? Would you focus on function, pronunciation, productive skills because the test was multiple choice and not a fair assessment of her success in a university with writing papers and listening to lectures?Explain what an appropriate balance would be. How did you reach that recommendation?



I would a create a study program where the student listens to recordings and then answers comprehension questions.  All instructions would be given in writing to take advantage of her reading skills. 
There would be no transcript of the recording – the student must listen to the recording.  I would choose a skill level that accounts for student’s difficulty in understanding the spoken language.  (Can we assume that there are no other factors such as a hearing impairment?) The test answers would start as multiple choice answers and other open answer questions that require a short written response progressing into spoken presentation answers as the student develops.
I would focus on function because the skills will be needed to participate in the course and also when she starts university.  The recordings would be examples of asking questions in a classroom and how to elicit a response from a teacher.  Within the teaching of function there would be built-in components of grammar, phonics and lexis that would develop her productive skills.
As her receptive skills improve, the focus would be shifted from developing her listening skills to a fuller, more rounded course where all the receptive and productive skills are further developed in harmony with each other – so that the student is equal in her abilities in each component of the language .
I believe an appropriate balance of receptive versus productive skills would be 80% receptive in the form of listening and 20% productive in the form of written and spoken answers.
My recommendation is based on information in the text – it states that the student has passed a multiple choice question test on vocabulary and grammar.  It seems that the student has developed the reading and writing components of the language well but has not developed the listen and speaking components equally.  The text also states that the student  ”does not speak very well and has difficulty understanding even the simplest spoken language”  and as a result the recommended course of action would be to develop her listening and speaking skills.

Teachers comments
Your choice to utilize reading as a segue to promote an intensive listening and speaking focus shows an astute grasp of integrating and balancing the skills based on individual student needs.    Also, your ability to match the items listed in the question with the appropriate language system shows an excellent grasp of the systems concept.

The History and Spelling of English
Describe how your knowledge of the history of the English language will help you explain things to your students in an EFL class. Give specific examples.

As a Native English Teacher working in China I have had times when I have had to explain that the English language is made up from other languages.  The explanation is usually centered around the terrifying number of wars that Europeans were so good at starting but really needed some help in learning how to stop.  Knowing that a good portion of English is from Latin helps to explain the strange names the English give to appliances as compared to the stark descriptions given to mechanical devices in China.  As an example, in English we have the word television derived from the Latin words “far” and “see” which basically describes the machine as the thing that lets you see what is far away.  The Chinese word for television is Din Shi – or “electrical job” or the thing that uses electricity and to make one is a big job. 
The Chinese students have an English text where a character in the book goes to France.  While there, the character meets a French man named Monsieur Bas – I had to explain to the Chinese students that this is not an English title or name and that most of the letters in French are not pronounced.  The correct pronunciation is “Monsieur Bah”.  I think that it is unfair to introduce a difficult French name to young children that are already trying to learn English.

What differences in student approach to English do you anticipate when working with students who speak a Latin or Germanic language versus students who speak Japanese, Chinese or Arabic?
As a Native English Teacher working in China I have had the experience of teaching the words “athletic” to Chinese children only to have the lesson taken up with explaining how to make the “th” sound.  The problem is compounded when teaching this to a young child who may not have the fine motor skills to form the correct sounds. 

Describe strategies you will use in class to help you with your own spelling, if it´s a problem, like bringing a dictionary to class or writing down troublesome vocabulary in your lesson plan.

I overcome spelling problems by having a dictionary and noting troublesome words in the lesson plan – also as discussed  – eliciting a response from the students can be helpful.

Teachers comments
Your answer shows that you understand the importance of having a working knowledge of the history of English, an awareness of your students´ linguistic backgrounds, and a strategy for dealing with your own spelling weaknesses.  However, more specific examples of how these issues might play out in the classroom would strengthen your response.  Also, when discussing the differences between students of differing linguistic backgrounds, don´t forget that Arabic and Asian students also have a completely different alphabet.

Overall mark
60/70


References:
http://www.accet.org/accreditation
http://www.bridgetefl.com/accet-accrediting.php

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

20120828 Teaching English as a Foreign Language to Early Childhood.


20120828 Teaching English as a Foreign Language in Early Childhood. ( ... is best done by professionals who are competent in the psychology of early language development.)

The very idea of an online teaching course is flawed and contradictory.  In practice, doubly so.  There are logical-reasoning errors that make circular arguments against itself.  Having said that, I have done this:
Teaching a Gym Class to Pre-school

Completing the TEFL, also known as Teaching English as a Foreign Language, course has proven an interesting exercise in building personal confidence but a poor investment in professional development.  One of my previous blog entries shows a letter from an employer stating that I am "too old" to be considered for a teaching job.  So, in an effort to re-balance the universe; post-rationalise my decision; and force a self-fulfilling-prophecy immortalised in the  words of Jack Black from his role as Dewey Finn pretending to be Ned Schneebly - "Those who cannot do; teach. And those who cannot teach, teach gym".  


Lesson One from Bridge TEFL.
TTT. Teacher Talking Time


TTT stands for Teacher Talking Time.  TTT can be a problem in a class for foreign-language students for a number of reasons.

1) - A teacher may feel that the natural silence that occurs between asking a question and receiving and answer may be "too long".  This time of silence is subjective and can vary between teachers and as a result the teacher may start talking again in an effort to elicit a response to fill an "awkward silence".  The act of asking another question will interrupt the student’s line of thought and delay the answer even further.  A teacher should allow time for a student time to understand the question and formulate an answer before prompting for a reply.

2) - The student's time is valuable.  A language class should give the student time to learn, practice and allow time to recall the information needed to create a positive experience and would like to see some return on their investment.  A student may also be a customer and therefore, customer perception regarding value for money needs to be considered.  A student, a customer, will make a subjective internal decision on the value of a language course based on their experience in the classroom and may frankly assume that a more economical way of listening to an hour of genuine English speaking may be accomplished by simply listening to the radio.

A Native English Teacher working in a Chinese school must consider several factors when the student is thinking of an answer.  One strategy is to put the student at ease by asking them to answer the question in their own language. 
This demonstrates to the teacher that the student can understand the question, and has an answer, but is searching for the right English words.  



How to avoid excessive TTT.

1) Be patient.  Allow the student to think quietly.  Students need to feel that their teacher is patient and their learning is important and we can use the class time efficiently to listen to their answer (Marsh, C. 2008).

2) Overcome the social stereotype that every occasion needs a backing sound.  Students learn better when they recall - it is recall that makes a memory stay (Karpicke et al. 2011).

I plan to use student centered activities such as English word games like Bingo and Hangman. The use of open questions such as "What have you done today?" and "What do like to do?" will be encouraged where students can answer and demonstrate their progress.



References:

Marsh, Colin. Becoming a Teacher. Pearson Education Australia 2008.

Karpicke, J. Practicing Memory Recall Boosts Science Learning. cited 2011.
http://neurosciencenews.com/practicing-memory-recall-boosts-science-learning/

Bridge TEFL
http://www.bridgetefl.com/

White, Mike.  School of Rock. Paramount Pictures 2003.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0332379/

Thursday, November 10, 2011

20111116 The Occupy Brisbane Movement.



The Occupy Brisbane Movement.

A few months ago a small band of insignificant protestors gathered in Wall Street New York to make their voices heard regarding their perceptions of the 'greed of the corporate world' in America.

Like so many ideas that come from the United States of America it had at least two attributes: it was appealing and it was stupid.

Instantly and all around the world, at least two more people behaved in such a manner as to suggest that this was regarded as a fairly good way to take advantage of the rebellious idea that it was now ok to camp in a public place. And so, the daring few carried their tents into Post Office Square and made a stand for what they truly believed to be true. They were determined, they were resourceful, they had no idea what they wanted nor how to get it but that was not the purpose. Their purpose was to get some attention and pretend to be just like their American idols.

The basic idea of a protest is fairly simple: the protestors make everybody else feel uncomfortable until everybody else makes the protestors feel comfortable. This tactic has been astonishingly successful, and has proven to be necessary for the survival of the species, among those younger members of our society who have yet to develop their ability to speak, walk, or use civilised and customary systems of personal hygiene.

From the outset, the Occupy Movement has either deliberately or ignorantly refused to be part of the very system of change that is needed to meet their demands. If they only knew their demands.

The false hope that the Occupy Brisbane movement has created is sad to the point of being criminal. During the Occupation of Post Office Square, the news reported the industrial action at Qantas. One person actually asked the Occupy Brisbane movement to take action. This plea for help was a turning point in my perception because it occurred to me that some people in the fair city of Brisbane actually believed that a bunch of people sitting in a park had real power.

From these events, it is evident that there are people who believe that a public protest is the first order of action for change in a civilized society. The Queensland education system could not be so incompetent that it has utterly failed to tell students how the political system works. That is not the case. The Queensland Curriculum includes lessons at the year 9 level:

• Contact between cultures has produced movements to improve democratic participation and citizenship rights for specific groups
e.g. government policy and legislation to increase opportunities for participation in electoral and government
processes for women, Indigenous people and young people.

So, the question remains on why these people continue to follow a leaderless and illegitimate political movement. Possibly, they either missed class that day or they do not have the equivalent of a year 9 education.

In an effort to guide some of the wayward followers, I asked them if they had writen to their local member about their concerns. Not one of them had done so. They had a feeling of helplessness and isolation and that their concern would be disregarded. I asked others if they had looked at any of the policies of the existing parties to see if their concerns were already being addressed. Again, nobody had taken the time, about 3 minutes of research on the Queensland Government website, to find out.  While chatting with the supporters on facebook, I came to a realisation that there really are people who need to be protected from themselves. These people are truly a danger to society. As a political movement, it is a sad dismal failure. As a joke, the Occupy Brisbane Movement is an elaborate social success that went severely bung.


References:

Friday, February 11, 2011

1102111230 Teaching English as a Foreign Language is for young people.



1102111230 Teaching English as a Foreign Language.


I never honestly considered that an on-line course to be an English teacher would be highly regarded by the teaching profession. A four-year degree course which includes the psychology of learning, effective formative assessment and a one-year practice in the classroom does not favorably compare to mucking about for 120 hours on the internet. Even though I managed to do well and was awarded good marks for my lesson plans,
the teacher's comments never mentioned anything specific about my work: it was like they were cut-and-paste from a spam generator. The "print-it-yourself" on-line certificate does not carry any authority and there is something hollow and artificial about it. It lacks an essential ingredient. Like carob. Having said that, the only people who consider the qualifications from Bridge TEFL seriously are, oddly enough, the people at Bridge TEFL. The final part of the course is job placement with their agency. I received this reply:

Dear David,

Thank you for considering BridgeTEFLJobs for placement in South Korea. As a warning, placements are extremely difficult to secure in South Korea when the applicant is nearing the age of 50. We apologize for this difficulty. This is not a policy of BridgeTEFL, but of the employing agencies in South Korea. Each school has its own guideline for hiring teachers and currently most teachers being hired are from 22 to 40 years of age. If you are outside of this age group, it might take longer to find a school. Being that the retirement age in Asia is presently 50~55 yrs, it is highly unlikely that anyone nearing or past 50~55 yrs will obtain a decent job offer.

In light of this information, you may want to consider teaching in other areas, such as Latin America. If that sounds appealing, we strongly suggest enrolling in a TEFL Certification course in-country for numerous reasons:

* Allows time to acclimate to the culture
* Provides an opportunity to look for housing
* Usually includes free language lessons
* Encourages networking (with potential employers and classmates)
* Greatly improves your chances of being hired

Please visit http://www.bridgetefl.com/tefl-courses-abroad.php for a map with locations where we are currently offering such courses.

Please let me know if you have any questions or if you would like to continue with your placement in South Korea in spite of the aforementioned difficulties.

Regards,

Matt Clark

BridgeTEFL Jobs Advisor, BridgeTEFL
915 S. Colorado Blvd.
Denver, CO 80246
(303) 785-8861 (direct)
1-888-827-4757 (Toll-free USA & Canada)
0-800-028-8051 (Toll-free UK)
www.BridgeTEFLJobs.com

_______________

Dear Mark,

Thank you for your prompt reply.

I understand that this is not a policy of Bridge TEFL or your personal feelings, because age discrimination is illegal in the USA, Canada, England, France, Australia, New Zealand, most of Europe, some of the more interesting parts of Asia, anywhere East of the Urals, the Baltic States and the Antarctic Territories.

I sincerely hope that you live long enough to experience this yourself.

David Nightingale.
TEFL Graduate




Wednesday, December 8, 2010

1012082230 The Automatic War. Chapter One.


The news about North Korean artillery made me think of this:

"At My Command"

John lay in his allocated firing position, watching his arcs as his sergeant had ordered. There was no movement, there never was, there were no troops in the minefield that lay between the North and the South, there never was. He just lay there and peered into the blackness trying to see the military targets meticulously described in routine orders. After a while he tired of it and took out a letter from home that he had been waiting for a chance to read. At the same time, miles away, John’s small movement was detected by an enemy automated sentry using Doppler shift radar coupled to a thermal imaging device. The machine added an entry to its database of known enemy locations. This particular automatic sentry had noted the locations of 75 soldiers in the last hour. The night was quiet. There was no breeze. The air was cold. John attached a red coloured filter on his torch in the mistaken belief it would not been seen easily by the enemy. It was John's 16th mistake that he had made during his 2-hour guard duty, but he was aware of only 3 and disregarded those as petty. Although the light from his torch barely provided enough light for him to see, it showed up as a brilliant white point in the night-vision equipment of the automatic enemy sentry. The sentry controller was 25km away, out of artillery range and safe inside a hardened concrete shelter. His name was Jon and he honourably, and according to his orders, fulfilled his duty and remotely aimed the Chinese made Cz20mm cannon at the target. To Jon it was a routine task: allocate the new target to gun number 47. The image of John was clear, he could be seen fumbling with his torch in the dim red light. Jon watched the screen and noted the location of the target, the range, rounds remaining and the gun’s state of weapon readiness. Then, out of curiosity, he also looked at the barrel and cordite temperatures. He regarded another control with interest: AMC & Automatic. AMC stands for "At My Command", this setting gives the operator control over when to fire the gun. It is the trigger. When using the AMC setting, the decision to fire will be made by the operator, a person, a live human with feelings, compassion and maybe a family. The operator will make that decision based on his or her training, an assessment of the tactical situation or, a direct order from a higher ranking officer. When the gun is set to AMC it will report as "Ready" instead of firing. When the gun is set to "Auto" it will fire on the identified target without delay. The manufacturers of this weapon system won the lucrative defence contract by persuasive use of the words 'without delay'.

John, the identified target, took out the letter from his girlfriend back home. He was looking forward to reading about home; that far-away place where he could kiss his girlfriend, drive his blue Chevrolet convertible and stroll along Main Street freely without the constant nagging fear of stepping on something explosive. The letter read "Dear John, I have been lonely since you left and I have fallen in love with Jack. You'd like him, he has a red Dodge pick-up truck.” John had received a "Dear John" letter.

A soldier in a war-zone needs to keep control of impulsive behaviour because anything done on the battlefield can get a soldier killed; including doing nothing. On the frontline border in a region where an unknown number of nuclear warheads are always ready, and an even bigger unknown number of troops are waiting for a half-decent excuse to reunify the south, John started a tantrum that would last for both the rest of his life and another 14.5 seconds.

John’s immature-anger welled up, the misdirected blame scrambled his thoughts, a mere 20 years of life experience was not enough to give him perspective and presence of mind he needed to appreciate his role in the complex geopolitical topography of the worlds worst place to make sudden loud noises. He tried to make some sense of it all and verbalised in his preferred native expressions which used smaller words with their own distinct but similar sounding meanings. John cursed.

Now, he mistakenly thought to himself, he was going to personally end this war. He aimed his M205 assault rifle expertly and exactly as he had been taught during years of training. He held it firmly to reduce recoil and focused on the rear sight; it was black, he could not see it; he focused on the foresight, it was black, he could not see it either; he focused on the target, it was huge and black, he could not miss it. Then with purpose and intent he deliberately squeezed the trigger and fired twenty accurate well-aimed shots blindly into an area target he identified as the entire northern hemisphere.

The sound a rifle makes when fired may be compared to the sound of thunder, however, small arms do not sound like thunder. Small arms make a vicious and irritating sound like the barking of an angry little dog, only much louder. It is the big calibre weapons that have the volume and gas momentum to reverberate against the earth and rumble the ground to make the sound of thunder. The sound and muzzle blast from field artillery can lift the dust from the ground and push over fully grown men, much to their surprise and others' amusement. The sound of a rifle firing is a sharp sudden noise accompanied by a force that is felt in the sensitive delicate paper-thin facial muscles. There is a tiny moment of unconsciousness after each round is fired while the soldier’s body absorbs the shock and recovers from the involuntary blink. It takes a few milliseconds to focus, assess the fall of shot and correct any aiming errors. After careful observation and accurate corrections the next round is squeezed off. John had no need to correct for aiming errors, his target was the one half of the war, the enemy half, so everywhere north of his allocated firing position was just as good a target as anywhere else. John’s delicate facial muscles absorbed the recoil of the rifle while the force of the sound barged into his ears and pushed his eardrums as far back as they would go, and then rattled them. He fired at nothing and everything, cursing the enemy, the war and his tiny futile role in it.

John's first round left the barrel of his rifle at a speed of 853 meters per second, a number that John had learned and remembered during basic training because it was a vital piece of information that every soldier must know, just in case he was ever asked by an officer. The round then travelled about 720 metres in the first second: the round slows down considerably with air resistance. The sound of the first bullet was noted with interest by one of the enemy's many automated listening posts. Its sensitive microphones recorded the "crack" of the sonic boom made by the bullet as it travelled along its arc and then listened for the "bang" of the rifle that fired it. The listening post sent the data to the command post where it was analysed and compiled then and compared to similar data from several other identical automated listening posts. A "circle of error" appeared on a map in the enemy’s command post. John was somewhere in that circle and every round that John fired made the circle smaller. The circle shrank smaller and smaller about three times every second until it became a point. This point indicated known troop locations. A stream of data was sent to gun 47. Several stepper motors in the aiming mechanism pointed the business end of the weapon at John. A 20mm full-metal jacket round was loaded into the chamber by an obedient solenoid.

At the enemy command post, on the control panel, a circuit switched on a particular resistive filament which warmed and then glowed with satisfaction as it illuminated the "Ready" light for gun 47.

As John's final tantrum continued, the sound of semi­automatic rifle alerted his section. Every soldier in the 1st of the 83rd of the 9th Mobile armoured light fighters sprang into action, to some it was a reaction to firing, others it a reaction to a conditioned response, others were just scared that the sergeant would yell at them. The men were well armed, well trained, motivated, fit and completely wrong. The orders stated that they must fire only when they see the enemy advancing. An alert radio operator sent a report to the brigade headquarters, "2 this is 2.2. Contact over". The short message spoke volumes, in its own shorthand way it said: "Calling Company Headquarters for the 1st of the 83rd of the 9th Mobile armored light fighters, this is platoon number 2, section 2, we are currently being attacked from the North, they are advancing on our location with armoured support". There is a lot of implied information in an army message.

In the enemy command post, the field officers saw the 1st of the 83rd of the 9th Mobile armored light fighters suddenly moving forward. This was honestly interpreted as an assault. The evidence was clearly before them. There was only one explanation: the south had started its invasion. In his own language, a Northern signaller sent a similar volume of information to his company headquarters. The sentry controller watched with great concern as automatic sentry guns numbered 14 to 39 detected forward movement and displayed ready lights, there was movement along the front, all advancing. The computer controlled sentry made a quick calculation of the predicted troop movement and alerted the officers by sounding a dignified beep. This particular beep had a distinct sound that, when interpreted correctly, told the sentry controller that at the current speed of movement, the soldiers of platoon number 2 would cross the perimeter in less than three minutes. The sentry controller knew the drill, he knew the procedure, he knew the orders. It is clearly stated that in the event of an imminent invasion, all guns must be set to fire automatically. Jon obeyed the order. He switched the big calibre weapons from AMC to automatic. Jon listened to the sound of little angry dogs barking at the thunder.

Gun 47 received the coded signal to fire an accurate three round burst at a point target. A capacitor charged, a transistor closed a circuit and sent 50 volt shock into the percussion cap of the chambered 20mm round. Following the laws of physics and chemistry, PV=nrT, the propellant gasses ignited, heated and rapidly expanded. The hot gas tried to expand inside the tiny cartridge as its volume increased to more than ten-thousand times of that of its solid state. The hot gas built up 52,000 pounds of bore pressure and impinged on the base of the projectile. Suddenly, the gas pressure overcame the initial resistance and accelerated the bullet along the barrel to a speed of 990 metres per second. The 20mm bullet burst from its confinement out of the barrel as if in celebration of its new-found freedom with a flash of light and an intense square-wave of sound. The gun recoiled in surprise as it released 4.5 litres of red-hot gas while the sound of reverberating thunder expanded into the night air. The massive 480 gram projectile, its gas expended, its cartridge case ejected, followed its graceful arc for 2,325 meters before hitting its allocated target just above the centre of the seen mass and slightly below its sensitive delicate paper-thin facial muscles. The second round passed through John’s Kevlar armour without any significant loss of momentum while the third round sped past his inert body, through a cloud of fine red mist and whiff of steam. In the next 3.14159 seconds, the mechanical automated sentry delicately adjusted its aim with ballet-like precision and repeated this procedure another 74 times with similar results. John's last round fell harmlessly into the Northern countryside about five meters from the enemy listening post.

Bibliography:

http://www.eurasiareview.com/analysis/10121-strategic-instability-in-korea

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/12/08/AR2010120800838.html?hpid=topnews

Sunday, November 21, 2010

1011212030 My Interview Went Well.

Meanwhile... .

And so my contract as a Native English teacher with the wonderful Chinese Catholic girls' school in Wong Tai Sin ended. My last day was ordinary, anti-climactic and sobering. The lesson ended and within a few minutes another teacher came to the classroom. She asked if I had finished because she needed the classroom for a violin lesson. That simple administrate gesture put my life in perspective.

I applied to work at another primary school and my interview went well. The few subjects that I passed in my Bachelor of Education were useful in the interview as I talked to the English teachers about the psychology of learning and the importance of formative assessments which lead to an in-depth discussion about the indicators of functional cognitive ability. I told them I was studying towards my Bachelor of Education but I am not a teacher and that is why I am not registered as a such with the relevant authorities in Hong Kong. There was a long pause. "We will discuss this with the principal and inform you of our decision."

The next day there was a long silence.

Then, late on Friday night, the agency called to tell me that the school would like me to start on Monday and could I please attend a planning meeting at eight o'clock in the morning. I thanked them and assured them "I will be there" with a postscript on how utterly amazed I was at the offer.

The school is about 50km away from where I live. In Hong Kong that means it is also two hours away and requires the crossing of three tunnels, two bridges and a partridge in a pear tree. On Saturday morning, early Saturday morning after dragging my half-unconscious carcass almost to China, I found myself at the planning meeting with the head of the English curriculum and the other English teachers. We talked about the lessons for the next few weeks and I committed to attending the parents and teachers night, the sports day and their upcoming 10th anniversary concert.

The principal talked to me afterwards and asked me at what university did I get my education degree.
It is at this point when I digress to talk about a famous Australian author, Miles Franklin, who wrote a book about her brilliant career. The book is aptly titled My Brilliant Career. She also wrote another less-known sequel called My Career Goes Bung. That is how I would aptly describe what happened next.

The principal casually asked for a copy of my Hong Kong ID card, my work visa and a copy of my first degree. I told the principal that I do not have an education degree or a first degree; and it could be argued, with a high probability of success, that I do not even have an education. "I cannot talk to you anymore, I will contact the agency. Good day." said the principal amid a flurry of apologies but he then took the time to explain to me that he had asked the agency for an English teacher, one who has actually completed a degree, preferably in the English language, about the English language and with the purpose and intent of actually teaching English as a career. Not a telephone technician. The English teacher looked at me silently for a few seconds and then asked me to return her books.

A few minutes later, I was riding my scooter along the long Yuen Long freeway back to Hong Kong. In my mind was the haunting image from a youtube movie showing a scooter accident that occurred on the same stretch of road a few days earlier. The scooter accident represents how quickly life can change.

As of Sunday night, I have not heard from anyone about where to be on Monday morning, so I sent an email to prompt the agency to contact me. It went like this:

The situation:
I have not heard from the agency
I have not heard from the school
I have not signed a contract
I feel like a fool

I cannot start on Monday
I am not welcome there
If I sit and do nothing
It will not be fair

Everyone was so helpful
It happened so quick
"Please show me your papers"
I can't do such a trick

One minute I worked there
The next I was gone
They want a real teacher
But I just fix phones.

So now in the evening
I plan my next day
Do I go in the morning?
What do you say?

( I really did not mean it to turn into rhyming couplets but I was thinking about a play called the Misanthrope.)

References:
Miles Franklin. My Brilliant Career (1901)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/My_Brilliant_Career

Misanthrope. Jean-Baptiste Poquelin, Known as Molière (1622-1673)
http://www.cummingsstudyguides.net/Guides2/Misanthrope.html

Scooter Accident in Hong Kong.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZenB1F6cdw&feature=youtube_gdata_player


Friday, December 11, 2009

091210 Everyone Hates Doing The Dishes


Everyone Hates Doing The Dishes

One of my close and dear relatives recently said that she needed to go on anti-depressants. One of her many legitimate reasons for considering taking mind altering medication under competent medical supervision is that she simply cannot face doing the dishes. This is not a secret, she did post the news on facebook. Everyone hates doing the dishes.

Here are some statistics that may support that statement:
Dishwasher sales in the US alone amount to 1.8 Billion dollars per year. The number of cleaning maids, also known as domestic helpers hired from the Philippines to work in Hong Kong is more than 250,000. The population of Brisbane is about 2 million people. The population of Stanthorpe is about 10,000 people. So, if you happen to live in Stanthorpe, think of everyone you see every day and imagine another 25 people helping them do the dishes. Imagine, at the end of each meal; in this imaginary situation in Stanthorpe, 25 people politely and graciously descend on the table like a flock of well mannered seagulls, clear everything, clean the table; take every plate, knife, fork and spoon to the kitchen where it is thoroughly and vigorously washed in hot soapy water, dried, stacked, folded, sanitised and generally cleaned in the time it takes to unfold your linen napkin, elegantly dab the corners of your mouth, burp and say “My goodness that piece of halibut was good enough for Jehova.”

The BBC had an interesting article about why a particular English family has a maid. The charming and well spoken wife said, among other things, that the family has a maid not so much as to do the housework, but to preserve the sanity. This family would rather pay someone to always be the one to do the dishes and therefore stop the endless bickering about whose turn it is. The cost in dollars and the mental cost of employing a maid is far lower than the mental cost of dealing with the nightly arguments over who is going to wash and who is going to dry. These complementary and diverse tasks set an important social standing within the family. The best way to devalue the position, according to the psychologist running the study, is to make the position part of a different social structure.

Doing the dishes is a futile task. No sooner are the dishes done and the kitchen clean when someone walks in and innocently puts one single solitary dirty glass in the nice clean empty sink, smiling sweetly as they do so. With that innocuous action, the incessant cycle of drudgery starts again. The job was complete for nearly, almost but not quite, 7.62 seconds. Endless, futile, thankless, degrading and lonely; so lonely. Even on chip night, when there should only be that lovely big square of white paper with a few delicious deep-fried crumbs, scraps of soggy batter and a lovely lingering lemon fragrance to be rolled up and dropped unceremoniously into the wheely bin, there is always something in the sink. Always. Always. Always.

Most of the drudgery can be taken away if someone just stays and gives some moral support, but as history has shown time and time again, everyone runs off to do something far more interesting like watching a documentary on the lifecycle of bats.

There was a young bloke in the army who was given permission to live off the base. I cannot believe that a soldier had to actually ask permission to enjoy the very freedoms for which he was willing to risk his life; a soldier, a grown man, trained in the deadly arts of hand-to-hand combat, had to get permission to live in his own house. Anyway, this young bloke soon started showing his youthful inexperience and innate inability to run his own life when he showed signs of ill health and poor diet. His sergeant was asked to go to his private property to see what was going on. To the surprise and bewilderment of all, this young soldier was not doing the dishes. The story goes that he did have a basic common-sense system of standing orders with the duty roster posted on the fridge, but it seems it all went awry when he couldn’t muster the mental energy to do the dishes. After a hard day of marching up and down the square and painting white rocks white and shooting at a moving target, he just couldn’t be stuffed. The whole system collapsed. He became uncivilised. And so that day the legend was born of the Lazy Soldier With Mouldy Pots Who Had To Be Ordered To Live In The Barracks. The pots were taken away by men wearing Nuclear-Biological-Chemical suits and thrown in the dump.

Everyone hates doing the dishes. Even with a dishwasher, there is still the Tetris-like preparation of fitting all the round pots into what is essentially a square box. There is always one pot that takes up an unusual and inefficient amount of space. And this is the part that really gets me fired up – you have to wash the pots before they go in the dishwasher. It is no coincidence that the English language does not have the phrase; I had as much fun as doing the dishes.

It is perfectly normal to hate doing the dishes. It is perfectly normal to feel less than enthusiastic about the prospect of yet again, and knowing that, and this is the bit where the psychologist helps, the whole dreary job will have to be done again in three hours.

References:
http://www.gov.hk/en/residents/employment/recruitment/domestichelper.htm
http://search.nationmaster.com/cgi-bin/search.cgi?query=stanthorpe&submit=+Search+%C2%BB+
http://www2.prnewswire.com/cgi-bin/stories.pl?ACCT=105&STORY=/www/story/08-22-2000/0001295620

Monday, May 18, 2009

0905183230 Tax Time


The Rudd Government announced an important new measure to ensure that workers who earn income overseas do not have an unfair advantage over workers who earn income and pay tax in Australia.

This latest change to the tax system only effects the relatively few Australians that have decided to live overseas, but it does make me think about what will really happen to the planned gain of 675 million dollars.

The United States has a similar system where all citizens must pay taxes for the upkeep of their country while they live elsewhere. It seems only fair given that overseas citizens are still entitled to the same rights. Expatriates have access to consulates and legal representation, they still want their nation to be protected by a fully funded and happy police force. Teachers, doctors, politicians and public servants all need to be maintained in perfect working order just in case an expatriate decides to use that freedom to return to their homeland.

There was a story a few years ago about how the Victorian government tried to raise money by increasing the tax on diesel fuel. They researched the sales figures for diesel fuel sales and figured that they would raise ( I forget the number ) an extra couple of million dollars. What they did not take into account was the fact that the interstate truck drivers stopped buying the more expensive diesel in Victoria. So instead of raising more money, the government actually lost money by changing the way truck drivers managed their fuel. - they bought the cheaper fuel in New South Wales. So the real world effect was that the state of Victoria lost money while its northern neighbor pocketed the money that Victoria so carefully planned on getting in its collective grimy little mits.

The bit that really fired me up was the unfounded allegation that overseas residents have some kind of perceived "advantage". What is the advantage? Everyone has strengths and weaknesses that amount to some kind of "unfair advantage". The Prime Minister has an unfair advantage because he can ask the air force to take him on overseas business trips - has he done anything to balance the "unfair advantage" by offering free air force flights to business travelers? Politicians can have their retirement benefits paid in full when they leave office - other people must wait until they are at least 65 years old before they can "derive any benefit" from their own hard earned personal superannuation funds. Is there legislation to redress this gross indecency?

If my argument is to be transparent and non-discriminatory then it could be said that just as everyone in Australia is free to choose to live overseas and, simply by co-incidence, pay less taxes then I must also have the freedom to choose to become a prime minister and have free business travel.


References:
http://www.treasurer.gov.au/DisplayDocs.aspx?doc=pressreleases/2009/066.htm&pageID=003&min=wms&Year=&DocType=0

note: use of capital letters:
a prime minister - a description of the office
the Prime Minister - the title replaces the proper noun of The Honorable Mr. Kevin Rudd MP Prime Minister of Australia.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

0904091230 Facebook is the latest CB radio


0904091230 Facebook is the latest CB radio

Facebook reminds me of the CB radio craze of the 70’s. The Citizens Band Radio, has, or rather had, an opportunity to radically change the way people communicated, instead, the medium degenerated into a laughable game where it was forbidden to speak in an intelligible manner. For reasons that were never explained to my satisfaction, every utterance had to be in some kind of code. The code wasn’t even secret – the list of codes was available to the general public at any electronics store.
Using a CB radio in the 70’s was like an early version of a chat room except people were really talking, actually speaking instead of typing. Random people would wantonly transmit their voices into the ether and hope that someone equally lonely would listen to them. Occasionally, people asked what time it was by asking if anyone had the “10-36” even though it takes a lot longer to say “ten thirty-six” instead of “time”. The simple addition of a clock into a CB radio was never a design consideration – that sort of luxury had to wait until the Betamax video recorder.

People just talked on the thing. There were some truck drivers that asked the exact location of police cars but mostly people chatted about nothing in particular. The word “police” was treated like a swear word. It was forbidden to utter the sylables. Everyone had to say “bear” or taking the image yet another diabolical and cryptic step further, “Smokey”. It was this last sinister change that completely and utterly failed to fool any of the worlds law-enforcement officers. For some reason the truck drivers thought the police would remain ignorant of their little code-making game and the truck drivers honestly thought that no one would ever know what “bear” meant. It was their little secret.
The ultimate downfall of CB radio was the randomness – there was no order, no control and way to call one single person, there was a lot talk but little communication. It was a bizarre social experiment to see if people would change their language just to show other CB users that they could. The whole industry failed the basic test of actually being useful. It really had no use. It was, as history has shown, useless. Who, when their CB eventually stopped working, actually replaced it.

The schoolboy-level conversations that I had about a CB radio were always accompanied by these concepts: The mystery of the standing wave ratio. I heard someone say that they had tuned their radio by shaving one eighth of one inch from the base of their antenna – they were of course, lying.
The total lack of understanding about a phenomenon called “skip”. In another conversation I overheard someone say that a tin roof could amplify a signal – they were sadly mistaken and I believe remain so to this day. A tin roof can, under right conditions, reflect a signal, it can focus a signal, but it cannot amplify a signal.
What was a “sideband” and what made it so special that, with one, you could talk to truck drivers on the other side of the world in America. What was squelch – was that even a real word? Apparently it involves the impossible compromise between either listening to constant static or listening to a signal so weak that reply was impossible. Then there was the useless switch marked ANL for “automatic
noise limiter”. It didn’t – someone incorrectly told me it was the “analyser” even though he had no idea what it analysed and how it even showed the results of whatever it was analysing. I’m sure the electronic engineer that designed the radio had laboured into the night to think of a way to reduce noise, but really, for all intents and purposes, it was just another switch that the marketing people wanted to use to fill in a blank space on the front panel.
And so in this modern age of communication we have long ago replaced the near-useless CB. First with computer chat rooms and lately, and for the time being, facebook. The internet’s equivalent to the CB radio and humankind’s latest thing for people to tell each other what they are doing. Facebook is the medium for self-promotion, for creating your own brand image and advertising yourself and your chosen personality for all the world to see, albeit with a perfunctionary wave to privacy.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

0903171930 Your own Sunscreen Song

The Sunscreen Song is thought provoking, I really like it. I first heard this song at a time when I was slightly ticked off at the universe in general, not God, just the universe, for my utter failure to become an air force pilot. I quite wrongly felt that life the universe and everything owed me a job.

A journalist wrote the Sunscreen Song when she had a deadline to write a few hundred words by the end of the afternoon and, by a strange coincidence, happened to see some teenagers going to their senior prom and wondered, if she was asked, what she advice she could offer. The result was a down-to-earth list of random pearls from her “own meandering experience” that, to me, seemed to put a lot of life’s complexities into some kind of order. It did this by roughly explaining that there actually is no order. The song has a real life honesty that extinguished the mad rush of the 1980’s that seemed to constantly call on people to manically Do It!, Win!, Go! and other overly positive and irritating slogans – the
type of unrealistic, delusional rhetoric that motivated Olympic athlete Gabriela Andersen-Schiess to stagger to the finish line after running a marathon even though she suffered a stroke. It was this wild 1980’s positive advice stuff that motivated me to leave a fairly good job that had reasonable prospects for a future, to go back to school and try to become an air force pilot. My optimism was fuelled by the prevailing aforementioned ridiculous advice that flourished during the eighties, that stated with the air of some authority, that if you really tried and always had a clear direction and always had a chipper smile on your face then by golly goodness you will succeed. Always. I studied all the right subjects, I even passed most of them. Then the Australian air force, in a moment of amazing generosity, granted me an interview, a psychological test and an aptitude test which I promptly failed. In one afternoon my plan for a fun-filled exciting career as a fighter pilot was gone. There was no plan B. All that good advice from the 1980’s never mentioned the fact that a lot of jobs in the military have age limits and 26 years old is too late to become a soldier – even if it is for the second time. This is where the real advice of The Sunscreen Song made sense. It said, inter alia, that your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. I was never in a position to make a choice about my career, but really who is?

One day in grade three, the teacher asked the students what job we wanted when we grew up. Everyone in that classroom wanted to be
either a doctor, a policeman or an astronaut. So who was going to be an accountant or a teacher? In my class, all the boys wanted to be astronauts. I wondered what would NASA do with fifteen more astronauts – they only needed seven astronauts for the entire mercury project. That night I asked my dad what he used to say he wanted to be when he was a kid, before life started changing things for him. He said that he wanted to be a diesel mechanic. He became a diesel mechanic.

So, there I was standing outside the air force recruiting centre with no future as a jet pilot when I decided to go to university. I was fairly
interested in computers so I thought that it would be a relatively simple task to complete four years of university to study electrical engineering. At the time I had every confidence in myself that I would know what to do. I had done fairly well at high school so I figured that the university lecturers would tell me and every other student exactly what we needed to know and I would, after four years of classes, a few assignments and then a some exams, have a neat little set of initials to put at the end of my name. Not so. QED.

A few years later, after I had either, depending on your belief system, lucked into or been blessed with a good job with the nation’s telephone
company as, of all things, a radio surveyor, I was thinking about the Sunscreen Song from 1997 and so I wrote my own version.

This is what I thought about life in 2002:

My own 'Sunscreen Song' 2002.
Wait and think when given a task, a plan will form in a few minutes.

Speak clearly, speak loud, tell the truth. Don't make anything up even if you're sure it will happen. Report your achievements, not your plans. Your 'to do' list is not an historical record.
Be honest, to God, to your family, your employer, to yourself. You have certain human rights. Do not allow yourself to be exploited unfairly. It is not being humble.
Read the scriptures every day. You will discover a little more each time.
Pray every night on your knees, it will help you stay grateful.
Pray every morning on your knees, it will help you stay confident.
Let your kids live a happy life. They need time with you more than products. Let them speak to you, listen to their stories, get to know their view of the world. You do not have to prove yourself to them, they know all too well that you are only human.
Enjoy it when your kids play. Boys will play rough and get hurt, let them. It's a tiny model of life. Compliment Hugo on all his mighty accomplishments. He is doing great.
Compliment Alex on all his mighty accomplishments. He is doing great. They need extra attention while they grow into men. Build them up on true principles.
Compliment Rachel Ruby on all her mighty accomplishments. She is doing great. Listen to all her great stories. Get to know Rachel Ruby to the extent that you can answer questions about her personal life.
Your kids will remember what you say - think carefully before shooting your stupid mouth off.
It is better to remain silent. You will never have to explain, defend or retract your silence.
You will never be ridiculed, embarrassed or accused because of your silence.

Listen to your inner self, when in doubt, don't speak at all. By your own experience, this should be most of the time.
Act for yourself, do not be acted upon. Drive yourself towards the right. Disregard all of societies foolish, confining conventions & do what is right.
You do not need permission. Act for yourself after serious thought.
Keep your cool. Everything that happens to you or around you is an opportunity to practice thinking clearly under pressure.
Be generous with your time & talents. You will only waste them on something selfish.

Do not assume that anyone is your friend.
Sleep is more important than entertainment.
Time with your kids is more important than sleep.

Beware of pride. Yes you are special, but not that special.

TED talks have an artist who did something similar and made his own list of times when he was happy and related those experiences to his love of design. His list looks like this:

http://globalmoxie.com/blog/stefan-sagmeister.shtml

References:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gabriela_Andersen-Schiess http://101olympians.blogspot.com/2008/08/gaby-andersen-scheiss-staggering-into.html
http://www-pao.ksc.nasa.gov/history/mercury/mercury.htm

Chicago Tribune on June 1, 1997 entitled "ADVICE, LIKE YOUTH, PROBABLY JUST WASTED ON THE YOUNG" by staff writer Mary Schmich.
Some versions have an introduction saying that it is for the class of ’97 others say the class of ’99 – either way, I don’t remember the year that I first heard this.
Photo credits - Hugo took these pictures of me in two different aeroplanes - one in Amberly in Australia and the other in a Jaguar in France.

Friday, February 27, 2009

0902271700 Proof


The other day I was talking with some of the other teachers at the Chinese Catholic Girls School at which I work and one of them kind of, in a friendly, happy, joking sort of way, expressed some doubt that I could have had more than one job in the forty odd years that I have been keeping an even tally on the number of times that I have breathed in and breathed out. It seemed to me that one of the only ways to convince her that I really have had a varied career path would be to simply show her a picture of me doing the various jobs.

It was not that simple. I sent an email to one of my old friends at Telstra and politely asked him, as a special favor, if he could look in a particular file for a picture of me working on the roof of a telephone exchange installing an antenna. I may have mistaken the name of the town because my friend could not find the picture. It was not there. The picture may have been removed because it was damning evidence that I was not wearing a safety harness while working at heights – but I doubt it. It is odd that even though
I worked for Telstra for about 15 years, I don’t have a picture of me actually working. There are no pictures of me working at my desk, no pictures of me carrying test equipment and no pictures of me managing the design and construction of any particular mobile phone tower. None. I do, however, have hundreds of photos of where I worked and of projects in various states of completion, but none of me at the site, on the job, actually working. It’s like I was never there. It is as if Winston Smith, while working at the Ministry of Truth, received a request via his telescreen to make me an un-person.

" Your name was removed from the registers, every record of everything you had ever done was wiped out, your one-time existence was denied and then forgotten. You were abolished, annihilated: vaporized was the usual word." George Orwell, 1984.

The only record of what I actually did while working from 7:30am to 17:00 for five days a week for
fifteen odd years is safely hidden from the prying eyes of the general public in the Brisbane Telstra office basement, in the dark, on display in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying 'Beware of the Leopard'."

I did manage to dig up a few photos of me of when I was in the army. Although I constantly carried a camera around with me for years while on an army exercise, I took very few pictures. I was always too busy with some sort of machine gun thingy that they made me carry. It would have given the sergeant a raving conniption if I suddenly stopped the accurately aimed suppressing fire on that unarmed but altogether menacing figure eleven target just to take a quick happy-snap of the event to help explain to my mum exactly what I had been doing for the last three months. There was also the niggling
problem of deciding what would be an economical choice of subject. You see, I usually had only 36 or so pictures stored in a truly ingenious mechanical/chemical invention that consisted of a thin layer of flexible yet mechanically sturdy plastic that was evenly coated with a variety of special light sensitive chemicals. It was called “film” and I am told that film is still available in some parts of the world. Even though each picture only cost a few dollars to process, I only had about 36 pictures and I had to be prudent and wise in my choice of subject so that I had some pictures in case something really interesting happened. My camera had a self timer but I rarely pointed it at myself, there was no need – the proof was the picture – it was always generally assumed by the more reasonable portion of the population that a hardcopy print was evidence that you were actually there. Nowadays, you have to be in the picture. And even that carries some doubt due to the amazing skill some people have with photoshop.

References:
George Orwell. 1984.
Douglas Adams. Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy.
This photo was taken somewhere on the Cape York Peninsula in Queensland Australia in 1987. That was my Land Rover and I don't remember the name of the guy in the front seat.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

0902162030. Things that cannot be explained before they are experienced.

0902162030. There are many things that cannot be explained before they are experienced firsthand.

There are some customs and manners in other countries cannot be explained until they are experienced. Sometimes it is impossible to understand the directions regarding how to operate a new appliance until you actually know how to use that appliance, only then do the instructions make
sense. The things that we need to know how to do, we learn by doing them.
When we arrived in Hong Kong we were told that we would need a certain appliance called a dehumidifier. This device was, as we were told by many friends and associates, essential to maintain a healthy living environment in the warm humid climate that is typical of any place that is as far north of the equator as Brisbane is south. The weather in Hong Kong lately has been indescribable – I have no other experience for a comparison: I have been hot on a humid day in the summer and I have been cold during on a dry day the winter, but lately it has been cold and humid. It doesn’t make sense. There is a thick fog over the beach while the local Chinese people go swimming. Do I wear shorts or a ski-jacket?

Vespa in the rain.
One of the many interesting things about a Vespa is the well-known historical fact that this gorgeous modern icon of personal transportation was designed by a brilliant aeronautical engineer who did not actually like motorbikes, in particular, he did not like the way that a typical motorbike offered no protection from the elements. In fact, on most motorbikes of the day, it was the rider that kept the machine dry.

The other day while scooting along the picturesque winding mountain roads on the south side of Hong Kong, the heavy grey skies sagged and the perfect combination of temperature and humidity was reached, clouds formed, saturation limits peaked and then, and only then, did it start to rain.
There are two major concerns that every motorcyclist has in this situation, first is adequate traction and the second is keeping dry. My little Vespa is fitted with a fairly new pair of Pirelli hoops so traction was not a real concern, not while commuting at a stately and dignified fifty kilometres per hour. Keeping dry was the next concern. A few seconds after the rain started I instinctively waited
for that familiar but unwelcome cold wet feeling of water seeping through the stylish outer layer of my chucks and chilling my dainty pair of tups. The first dreaded sign of impending cold feet is the noticeable absence of warmth, the comfortable feeling of warmth silently departs like a shy guest at a loud party, then the inkling of cold as the persistent rain tunnels its own torturous path past the shoe laces and through the loose weave fibres of pure cotton socks, and then, like a predator coming face to face with its victim, comes the inevitable cold, wet feet. It is futile to resist, pointless to do anything in response, the only remedy for wet feet is to get home and peel off the wet disgusting messy socks as if they were two dead lifeless soggy fish that died in an attempt to swallow whole, two oversized steamed Dim Sims. I waited, I waited a bit longer – the feeling never came. My feet stayed dry and warm. Apparently that front bit on a Vespa is there for a reason, not just style, not just to hold the headlight at a convenient height, not merely an engineering structure designed to add stability. It actually keeps the rider dry. Not only did my feet stay dry but most of the rest of me did also.